H.O.M.E

  I thought no matter what happened, a family should always stay united.

  My mom's boyfriend promised to pay for all my education fees but now he had hinted he wouldn't be paying anymore.

  Well I shouldn't expect anything. He isn't my dad after all. Anyway, $40k ++ is considered a big sum. I should be thankful for what he'd done.

  I can work full time in the day & study at night. No big deal. My path maybe different from the rest but I know all shits will be worthwhile.

  My big bro said, he would help me pay half. But now, he can't help me anymore as my second bro suddenly wanna take private diploma & degree so my big bro would be helping him instead.

  I do not wanna add onto his burden. All along, I never want my big bro to help me pay. I know he has his debts to pay. How could I still ask him for help?

  Lately, my big bro used his name to help my second bro & me to sign up new handphone line.

  Initially, my big bro could only sign up for one person so he chose to sign up for my second bro.

  Luckily, my sis-in-law told him that he shouldn't be so biased. So he ended up sign up for me too.

  Honestly speaking, I wasn't angry when my big bro chose to help my second bro & neglect me.

  He's like a sandwich, it's very tough for him to decide. I don't mind to give in to my second bro because he's my bro after all. I can find my resolution myself.

  However, I really hate it when my second bro has become so selfish; he rather sacrificed me. He has been stirring shits. He has been telling everyone that I've changed, it's very hard to communicate with me & don't know what the hell am I busy with. He has been judging in everything I do. Hello! I'm working sir!

   I didn't complain anything, can't you just leave me alone?

  My second bro & I used to be very close but now our relationship has become so sour. Why?

  It's okay if my family can't empathise me. It's okay if my mom isn't supportive & understanding.

 I hope, my family will stop doubting & pressuring me. I hope, my second bro would stop stirring shits at home.

  To be honest, I hate going home. I merely wanna rest at home peacefully. Why is it so hard?

I know, I'll be okay, soon.

  Perhaps, you were right. We shouldn't begin. It was a mistake.

  If I'm given another chance, I would still allow you to enter my life. Yet, this time I would be gentle & caring. I wouldn't swallow all my feelings, I would let you know that it breaks my heart to see you being so tired & shagged. I wouldn't be pushy, I would keep quiet & let it be.

  An Aquarius would choose freedom over love. Boy, why can't you understand that I'm not gonna tie you down. I'm not interested to be your girlfriend. I don't need any promises from you. Whenever you need someone, I would be here for you; just a call or text.

  I kept track on the dates that we meet, our activities & what did we eat.

  I remember, we went to the snack shop at Taman Jurong that I used to go when I was young. I miss the fake strawberry ice cream. I hate strawberry flavour but this is yummy. The lady boss told us that the factory collapsed. You told me that you don't believe her, the auntie doesn't wanna give her competitors to earn! AHAHAHA! It's possible but boy you're so cute so funny!

  Everyday, I'll wake up with swollen eyes. I'm afraid to see my phone because I know I wouldn't see your name appearing.

  Whenever I think of you, my eyes would be brimming with tears even when I'm walking, in train or in bus. At home, when I'm alone, I would just break down. I can't hold back those tears, I don't have the strength to pretend to be strong anymore.

  I've to let you go, because you won't stay.

  My biggest weakness is I'm always not firm in whatever I do. You said, you rather I'm the one who choose to leave first even if it'll hurt you. I tried to avoid you but I always failed. I rejected to meet up with you a couple of times but I wasn't persistent. When I tried to push you away, you came closer; you're so irresistible.

  How I wish I could be as firm as you.

  When I broke up with my ex, I immediately deleted his messages, number, facebook & threw away everything that was from him.

 However, I'm not strong enough to delete your messages, number & facebook is where I could see whether are you doing fine. I still bring the portable charger you paid for me everywhere I go. I would hug it to sleep. I still keep the Strepsils that you crossed the road to buy for me, it's still inside my bag. I kept the cough syrup that you dragged me to buy, in a pink box. Sadly, I can't find the herbal tea plastic bottle that you dragged me to buy. Also, our movie tickets are with you. I should have taken it. Well you may have thrown it away.

  Perhaps, your feelings faded.
  Perhaps, you realised that I'm not the right girl you want.

  I wonder, if you family, cousin & friends ask about me, what would you say? What would come to your mind?

  That night, although I wasn't completely sober, I remember you saying, you realised that we shouldn't begin so you wanna stop. That moment, I almost cry. I didn't. I chose to smile. Boy, could you see it? I'm stronger than you think.

  I would still reply your text & call because I want you to think that I'm doing fine. Yet, the fact is, you wouldn't be contacting me anymore.

  Right now, I'm in a shopping mall, alone, I don't know what's the shopping mall name. I wanted to chill at Starbucks but I only left a few cents. My bank has $0. I'm broke & lost now. Yet, this moment, I'm feeling calm, this moment, my heart is calm & I'm smiling.

  Just now, I was slightly lost at City Link but I was able to find my way because you'd taught me how to walk, on the phone, few days back.

  Just now, when I was lost, I didn't text or call you. I'm learning to be independent once again. I'm trying my best to go back to the life before you came.

  I know, I would get over you someday.

Goodbye my skinny love.

  2013 is a terrible year for me, but you're an exception.

  It's unbelievable that fate brings you to me, both of us are from two different worlds; supposedly there's no reason why I would meet you.

  You were the first person who would feel heartache for me while my family would only doubt me.

  You were the first person, besides my mom, who would take care of me when I was sick. You were able to persuade & drag me to buy medicine & herbal tea. Even my mom wasn't able to do that!

  You were the first person who insisted that I must sleep first then you'll sleep.

  Perhaps, because I don't know how is it to be pampered & loved by a dad; I'm touched by you.

  You made me feel so guilty whenever you insisted to pay for me. Our first & last movie, was Star Trek & I was fast enough to pay for us AHAHAHA! When we were at NTUC, the cashier said she wouldn't take a girl's money. She said I'm embarrassing you opps!

  The first time we met, we ate at Newton market after my work. We ordered many food. That night, it was raining heavily & our backs were drenched while we were eating. The ambience was so amazing.

  I was kinda afraid that you may sell me away but I chose to trust you & go JB with you at midnight although I had work at 10am the next day.

  I always said " I'm not tired " because not seeing you is painful.

  When I was lost & you weren't with me but you were patient & specific to teach me how to walk, on the phone.

  I never like holding hands, I don't like holding my ex's hand either. However, your hands give me the kinda warmth that makes me feel safe.

  It's unbelievable that I've just met you but I'm so attached to you.

  At times, you were so gentle. At times, you were so cold.

  I don't know how did you treat your ex but I know, definitely very caring & protective. I kinda envious of her.

  I'm not the kinda girl that you would wanna fight hard to keep. I wish, you would tell me what's the real reason that's stopping you halfway.

  I'm trying my best to control my feelings & not to be clingy because I don't wanna pressure you.

  With eyes brimming with tears whenever I admit that I miss you.

  You're not the kinda guy that I want but you've somehow caught my heart.

  No more supper/lunch with you.
  No more hearing you sing.
  No more calls from you.
  No more texts from you.
  No more holding your hands.
  No more kisses from you.
  No more cuddling with you.

  You're gone.

  I do not have the courage to ask you to stay.

  I'm not gonna pick up your call anymore.
  I'm not gonna reply your text anymore.
  I doubt you would call or text me.

  No worries, I'll be fine soon, I just need some time.

  You know that I'm stressing over money because I'm worried about the big sum of school fee & I'm a ambitious girl. You, the first person, who taught me to be contented & not to be greedy; life would be easier & I'll be happier like this. I'll heed your advice.

  I'll bury the memory you give me, in a corner of my heart.

  Sooner or later, my feelings for you will fade.
  Sooner or later, I'll stop missing you.

  The next time I see you, I would smile.

  Probably, you're the best memory in my 2013.

  I wish, I hope, I want, you to remember me in a small small corner of your heart. Will you?

  Lastly, thank you for making me feel being loved.




  

My 2013 is a bad bad bad year.

  I've the habit of deleting my previous posts whenever I read back my posts. Hopefully, someday, I would stop deleting them & have the courage to face my past emotions.

  2013 is definitely a bad year for me. I screwed up in my O level, cried 4 times on that day. I felt so hopeless & helpless. That day was the first time, I felt so devastated in my entire life.

  Yet, to look back, I'm glad that I'd screwed up. Why? I'm forced to work hard for myself. I decided to go PSB to take Tourism & Hospitality. I must work in the day time for my allowance, transportation, bills & most importantly save up for my school fees which is more than $40k.

  Initially, my mom's boyfriend promised to pay up for my education fees but now he back off. Deal with it then. Noone owes me a living.

  My mom & big brother said, I could try to persuade him again but well I can depend on myself. I don't wanna owe anyone a favour.

  My mom told me to stop studying since we have no money. This sentence is like a knife, stabbing into my heart, til now, I can still feel the pain. I didn't ask anyone to pay a cent for me. I don't blame you for rather taking loan after another from the bank for your pleasure than for me. So what's the point of saying this?

  It always takes some tests, for me to identify who are my true true friends. I've lost 2 this year. Fantasy baby. I left with one best friend now, Calista Wong.

  I thought my best friends would always stay by my side when disasters approach. Well, I was too naive. When I needed someone the most, my best friends decided to leave me. This time, I wouldn't try to beg them back cause when I was all alone by myself, struggling, they left.

  I know when serious shits happened, I could only rely on my brothers although we aren't close.

  It hurts when my second brother & I are so drifted now, he's been telling everyone that I've changed; he's being sarcastic & stirring shits. He has become very selfish, disregarding my presence; rather watching me suffer to get what he wants. Oh well, he's my brother, I definitely should give in but I'm astonished by what he's doing now.

  So my family feels that I've changed. So what if I've changed? Instead of asking why?  All you do is assuming. I'm here working full time & part time at the same time. Also, I'm learning how to survive in the adult world. However, you're assuming me fooling around & dating. Even my own family doubts me, what more can I say?

  My 2013 is so happening. I lost my wallet, with IC in Jan. A retarded bus driver confiscated my student pass. My Sony Xperia U dropped into the toilet bowl. I got scammed, a total of $2000. AHAHAHA!

  I'm not asking for an easy path, I'm hoping all the shits would be useful in the future.

  I do not need sympathy from anyone because I'm not pathetic at all. I can rely on myself, I've learnt that if I want something badly, I must fight it for myself.

  I'm not asking for a life saviour, I'm just hoping someone would give me the strength to hold on instead of doubting me.