Thank you for coming into my life.

 

 My feelings for you slowly accumulated without myself realising.

  Initially, you were like a best friend to me, I felt very comfortable with you; I trust you. I felt so comfortable with you that I didn't realise I got so attached to you.

  I love the way you looked at me, the way you talked to me & the way you cared for me.

  I love hearing you singing.

  Perhaps, your feelings faded.
  Perhaps, you feel that I'm not the right girl for you.
  Perhaps, you're afraid to hurt yourself.
  Perhaps, you're afraid to hurt me.

  I know you want a long term relationship. Sadly, you don't see a future with me. Likewise, I don't see myself able to commit in a long term relationship.

  Whatever your true true reason for giving up on me is, no longer matters. Nothing is gonna change anyway.

  We don't belong to each other's world. If we give a try again, we may end up worse; I may get myself hurt even more.

  Love is supposed to be simple. Love isn't logical. However, you're logical, this clearly shows that your feelings for me weren't strong.

  On the other hand, I'd completely lost myself. Although I was confused & insecure, I still wanted to be with you.

  We used to have many things to talk about but suddenly we kept everything to ourselves.

  We'd a very short period of moments together. Yet, every moment with you is precious.

  Like what you said, I definitely have earned a lot in this short period.

  I finally know how painful it is to lose someone you truly want.

  I've become someone I thought I would never be, I was willing to give up my pride & ignore my fear, in fact everything; to be with you despite knowing that I would end up hurting myself.

  I finally understand, why do people always go back to someone who's good at tearing their heart.

  I finally understand, it's not the looks or how you dress yourself that tie someone's heart; it's what you've done with & for the person.

  I've learnt that when you truly like someone, his happiness & health is more important than any others' or yours.

  You'd taught me to be genuine to everyone which includes customers & to be contented with what I have.

  The person you once shared the same memory with, more or less, will influence or change you.

  Thanks to you, I getta see another side of myself.

  I'm like the rest of the girls, who will get clingy to people who use actions to prove that they care for us. I'm like the rest of the girls, I'll lose myself for someone I really like. I'm like the rest of the girls, willing to sacrifice my time & sleep, just to see you.

  I wouldn't say I'm silly. I would say, I'm like the rest, I'll give my all to the one I really like even knowing it may not be worthwhile.

  You definitely aren't a jerk. You don't wanna hurt me to a certain degree that we can't salvage the damages. You definitely treated me better than my ex; you respected me & I felt your concern & attention. Noone has ever made me feel so loved before.

  At times, I liked to pretend to be angry as I felt important when you panicked.

  You're an affectionate & a deep person. This is something special & attractive about you.

  Although you aren't my first love, you'd taught me how does it feel like when you've really fall for someone.

  Whenever I think of you, it's a bittersweet feeling.

  Our moments make me smile like a silly girl & cried like a pathetic depressed bitch.

  Now, everyday, many times, I'll still think of you. My heart is still aching but at the same it's slowly healing.

  Thank you for showing that you cared. Thank you for kissing me. Thank you for every moments you gave me. Thank you for leaving me before I fall deeper.

  Our moments will be tattooed on a corner of my heart. You've impacted my life.

  I don't know how long will I take to stop missing you, how long will this pain last.

  I wouldn't say I love you but I'm certain that I really like you very much; I've never felt so attached to anyone before you came.

  Because I like you very much, it's extremely painful to endure every second that you're gone.

  If I knew, that day was our last goodbye, I would hug you tight & press my lips on yours for one last time.

  It's a pity that I don't have the chance to treat you better. It's a pity that we don't have the chance to know more about each other. It's a pity that we don't have the chance to fulfil those promises we gave each other. It's a pity that we will not be there for each other whenever we need someone there.

  We gave each other promises without ourselves realising. It's okay that we can't make it alive, I'll still let it happen without you.

  Honestly speaking, it still hurts, like hell.

  You want me to pursue on what I truly want & find my true happiness. You want me to learn to be more independent & do what's right. Lastly, you want me not to think too much.

  I'll heed your advice.

  I'll try my very best to move on & start afresh.

  Sincerely, I wish you all the best in everything; most importantly please be happy. 

I'm done holding onto the pain; it's time to set myself free.

  Today, is the 14th day, you've left.

  I told myself, I would only give myself 2 weeks to go through the pain you've given to me.

  I've never been so emotionally depressed for anyone in my entire life before.

  My life was simple before you stepped into life.

  Everyday, I feel so miserable; crying because you're gone & hoping you'll come back.

  Before you left, I knew you would be gone soon but didn't expect it to be so sudden & without a word.

 Why the hell am I putting myself in sucha pathetic state? What the fuck is wrong with me? He's not gonna come back, NEVER EVER. I need to wake up. He's not even worth it. I definitely deserve better.

  I'm sure, if I didn't initiate to talk things out, you would just keep everything to yourself. I know, our last 2 conversations, you were hiding many things.

  No matter how much I miss the moments you gave me, no matter how much I miss you & no matter how much I want you to come back, I must move on.

  I know, you wouldn't give a fuck about me so you wouldn't even bother to stalk me & read my blog. Someday, I'll find myself ridiculous. Yet, you once were my happiness.

Lonely, lost & stranded.

  Some part of me, hoping you'll miss me.
  Some part of me, hoping you'll talk to me again.
  Some part of me, hoping you'll want me back someday.

  Yet, I know, you'll never miss me, not even for a second. I know, you will never talk to me again. I know, you'll never want me back. If given you a second chance, you wouldn't want me at all.

   

  Before you came, I was perfectly fine to be alone. In fact, I liked being alone. However, after you've left, I'm so afraid to be alone.

  I'm afraid of the dark so it's a must for me to on an orange light to sleep. Yet, I felt secured when you were next to me even when there wasn't any light.

  Lately, some nights, I would stay over at my friend's house. When the light is off, I felt lonely, lost & stranded. Hoping you were next to me.
  
  I believe, soon, I'll get over you.

No more tears.

  Lately, I'm into jogging.

 On Mon, I'd forgotten that I was having rashes, after 2 rounds of warm up in the stadium, I jogged 4km. I was surprised.

  I'm proud of myself. It's my longest distance without break in between that I've jogged.

  In the past, I disliked jogging in the stadium as I knew after 3 rounds, I would give up.

  I do not know where did I get that determination & tolerance that day. Yet, that moment, I felt like a loser in life & love so I told myself mustn't let myself down.

  Do you still remember you were asking me to be your jogging buddy? Yet, we always failed to make it happen because I was sick & then you started your night job.

  Everyday I wake up & before sleep, I'll still think of you. In the day & night, even when I'm busy, I'll still think of you & our memories.

  Whatever song that's playing, I'll still think of you.

  It still hurts.

 You never tell me your feelings unless I asked. I do not know what am I to you. Even after I've moved on & fall for someone else, I would still never know.

  I'm getting better; I don't cry for you anymore.

  

So, I'm not important, to you.

  Yesterday, I worked night shift. After work, I realised that I'd lost my wallet & my work pass was inside my wallet. The hotel has a stupid rule, must pay $30 + gst if you lost the work pass.

  I lost my wallet, my ez-link card is inside too. It was after 11.30pm. I called my mom, she was with her boyfriend & she said she has no money to pay for my cab fare. I couldn't contact my brothers. I don't wanna trouble Calista as I still owe her money & she had to wake up at 7am the next day. I don't know who could I call for help.

  I ended up calling him.

  The moment when he said that he couldn't help, I went speechless. He told me to borrow money from the guard but it was only my first day working in the hotel & I don't know when will my agent assign me to work in this hotel again. So how would the guard trust me?

  Subconsciously, I couldn't pay attention to whatever he was saying on the phone. I knew I had to deal with it myself; he's not gonna save me. Thus, I ended the call so that he wouldn't hear me crying.

  After some time, he texted me. I thought he wouldn't bother to text me.

  He asked was I home yet & said that he was really in police centre.

  I believe you weren't any better than me. Lost wallet is no big deal.

  I was outside Far East Plaza, all by myself, from 12am to 1.35am.

  I finally realised, I'm not as important to him as I thought I was. Silly me.

  I was hoping that he would come out from one of those "hired" cab or to see his sister's red car.

  It was very obvious that he wouldn't be. This is my story, not any romance drama. Dumb me.

  The night was very cold; just like you.

  That moment, somehow, I didn't care that it was late nor was I afraid & worried what if a drunk man disturbs me.

  My left leg was bleeding. There were blood stains on my hand & leg. Yet, I felt as though it was my heart that was bleeding profusely instead. Tears stained on my cheeks.

  A guy who I just met at work yesterday asked for my number, he went off first after work. He didn't know that I'd lost my wallet. However, he spammed me 6 messages when I didn't reply him, asking am I okay. He immediately called me when I finally replied & told him that I'd lost my wallet. We know each other less than 24 hours & don't even know each other's name.

  Even a stranger cares more than you.

  When I reached home, I was wondering what happened to him, why did he end up in police centre? Most importantly, I wonder is he alright.

  So I failed to control myself & asked is he alright.

  You're strong & firm. You can stop caring about me but I can't stop caring about you.

  Yesterday afternoon, I was thinking to lose 5kg in a month & then I would initiate to talk to him, as a friend.

  I was thinking, to let you see a better me.

  I was thinking, although I couldn't be his sweetheart, I could be his good friend.

  Well, after this incident, I know, I should face the fact that he's gone & he wouldn't care about me anymore.

  You'll never realise how much you've hurt me.

  Because of you, I've become so weak that I can barely recognise myself now. Because of you, I'm so terrified to be alone now.

  It's fine that you don't care about me, what's more important is you're alright.

H.O.M.E

  I thought no matter what happened, a family should always stay united.

  My mom's boyfriend promised to pay for all my education fees but now he had hinted he wouldn't be paying anymore.

  Well I shouldn't expect anything. He isn't my dad after all. Anyway, $40k ++ is considered a big sum. I should be thankful for what he'd done.

  I can work full time in the day & study at night. No big deal. My path maybe different from the rest but I know all shits will be worthwhile.

  My big bro said, he would help me pay half. But now, he can't help me anymore as my second bro suddenly wanna take private diploma & degree so my big bro would be helping him instead.

  I do not wanna add onto his burden. All along, I never want my big bro to help me pay. I know he has his debts to pay. How could I still ask him for help?

  Lately, my big bro used his name to help my second bro & me to sign up new handphone line.

  Initially, my big bro could only sign up for one person so he chose to sign up for my second bro.

  Luckily, my sis-in-law told him that he shouldn't be so biased. So he ended up sign up for me too.

  Honestly speaking, I wasn't angry when my big bro chose to help my second bro & neglect me.

  He's like a sandwich, it's very tough for him to decide. I don't mind to give in to my second bro because he's my bro after all. I can find my resolution myself.

  However, I really hate it when my second bro has become so selfish; he rather sacrificed me. He has been stirring shits. He has been telling everyone that I've changed, it's very hard to communicate with me & don't know what the hell am I busy with. He has been judging in everything I do. Hello! I'm working sir!

   I didn't complain anything, can't you just leave me alone?

  My second bro & I used to be very close but now our relationship has become so sour. Why?

  It's okay if my family can't empathise me. It's okay if my mom isn't supportive & understanding.

 I hope, my family will stop doubting & pressuring me. I hope, my second bro would stop stirring shits at home.

  To be honest, I hate going home. I merely wanna rest at home peacefully. Why is it so hard?

I know, I'll be okay, soon.

  Perhaps, you were right. We shouldn't begin. It was a mistake.

  If I'm given another chance, I would still allow you to enter my life. Yet, this time I would be gentle & caring. I wouldn't swallow all my feelings, I would let you know that it breaks my heart to see you being so tired & shagged. I wouldn't be pushy, I would keep quiet & let it be.

  An Aquarius would choose freedom over love. Boy, why can't you understand that I'm not gonna tie you down. I'm not interested to be your girlfriend. I don't need any promises from you. Whenever you need someone, I would be here for you; just a call or text.

  I kept track on the dates that we meet, our activities & what did we eat.

  I remember, we went to the snack shop at Taman Jurong that I used to go when I was young. I miss the fake strawberry ice cream. I hate strawberry flavour but this is yummy. The lady boss told us that the factory collapsed. You told me that you don't believe her, the auntie doesn't wanna give her competitors to earn! AHAHAHA! It's possible but boy you're so cute so funny!

  Everyday, I'll wake up with swollen eyes. I'm afraid to see my phone because I know I wouldn't see your name appearing.

  Whenever I think of you, my eyes would be brimming with tears even when I'm walking, in train or in bus. At home, when I'm alone, I would just break down. I can't hold back those tears, I don't have the strength to pretend to be strong anymore.

  I've to let you go, because you won't stay.

  My biggest weakness is I'm always not firm in whatever I do. You said, you rather I'm the one who choose to leave first even if it'll hurt you. I tried to avoid you but I always failed. I rejected to meet up with you a couple of times but I wasn't persistent. When I tried to push you away, you came closer; you're so irresistible.

  How I wish I could be as firm as you.

  When I broke up with my ex, I immediately deleted his messages, number, facebook & threw away everything that was from him.

 However, I'm not strong enough to delete your messages, number & facebook is where I could see whether are you doing fine. I still bring the portable charger you paid for me everywhere I go. I would hug it to sleep. I still keep the Strepsils that you crossed the road to buy for me, it's still inside my bag. I kept the cough syrup that you dragged me to buy, in a pink box. Sadly, I can't find the herbal tea plastic bottle that you dragged me to buy. Also, our movie tickets are with you. I should have taken it. Well you may have thrown it away.

  Perhaps, your feelings faded.
  Perhaps, you realised that I'm not the right girl you want.

  I wonder, if you family, cousin & friends ask about me, what would you say? What would come to your mind?

  That night, although I wasn't completely sober, I remember you saying, you realised that we shouldn't begin so you wanna stop. That moment, I almost cry. I didn't. I chose to smile. Boy, could you see it? I'm stronger than you think.

  I would still reply your text & call because I want you to think that I'm doing fine. Yet, the fact is, you wouldn't be contacting me anymore.

  Right now, I'm in a shopping mall, alone, I don't know what's the shopping mall name. I wanted to chill at Starbucks but I only left a few cents. My bank has $0. I'm broke & lost now. Yet, this moment, I'm feeling calm, this moment, my heart is calm & I'm smiling.

  Just now, I was slightly lost at City Link but I was able to find my way because you'd taught me how to walk, on the phone, few days back.

  Just now, when I was lost, I didn't text or call you. I'm learning to be independent once again. I'm trying my best to go back to the life before you came.

  I know, I would get over you someday.